daviebee Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 After recent threads moaning about the state of the TAMB I thought I'd post this. Might die a death but here goes anyway. Best I've heard: Probably a clerical lassie way back telling everyone in the office that she'd never seen a 3 1/2 inch floppy before but had used plenty 5 1/4 inch ones! Can remember us all turning purple trying not to p1ss ourselves. Might be lost on TAMBers who haven't reached a certain vintage of course. I used to have this gorgeous sexy blonde babe of a dentist as well who once asked me, "Is it stiffening up yet?" after she gave me a jag for a filling. Often wondered if she did that to all the guys that were in for fillings or if she was just so professional that it wouldn't even register. Worst I've blurted out: Back in my electronic design engineer days one of the maintainability engineers came to inspect the unit I was working on. Quite unusual at that time to have a lassie in that role. Really fancied her as well which made what followed even worse. She'd forgotten her ruler and asked if anyone had one she could borrow. Heard this voice horribly like mine say, "I've got a 12-inch one!" Ran like fk oot the lab and only went back about an hour later once my face had died down. As p1ss-taking was a way of life in the place it really p1ssed me off that I'd just given everyone about 6 months of material. Never got to forget that one either. Prediction: a couple of replies before it descends into Celtic v Aberdeen v Rangers with some "You're a feckin loonie, Scotty" thrown in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 Woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fishcumnock Posted April 17, 2017 Share Posted April 17, 2017 Was working in B&Q asked woman how big is your hole ? Followed by much hilarity from her and the 30yr old daughter . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ErsatzThistle Posted April 18, 2017 Share Posted April 18, 2017 This happened to me in Waterstones in Sauchiehall Street about a month ago. Bought some books and had got £10 of stamps transferred to my store card. So I went elsewhere in the shop to pick up a book I could now buy for next to nothing. Promptly returned to the same counter two minutes later with the same attractive female assistant behind it and said: "Hello again, you can take 'em off for me now please". It only occurred to me as I left the shop. Probably for the best if I don't go back there for a while.......... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest BlueGaz Posted April 18, 2017 Share Posted April 18, 2017 Had to sand and revarnish my Dads bench at the cemetery over the weekend, so went to buy an inverter for the car on Friday so we could use my power tools, powered from the car to make the job easier. My Mum had already bought the sanding blocks and paper etc for the job. Tried the inverter out when I got home on Friday and there wasn't enough power to start the sander etc, and when explaining it to my Mum, said, "So, I can't get enough power from the car to use the sanders so it will have to be a hand job". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HUNTINGMcGREGOR Posted April 18, 2017 Share Posted April 18, 2017 (edited) Business management conference in the early 2000's at a posh McDonalds hotel somewhere in Fife/Stirlingshire. Having Dinner in the Evening and semi formal with about 30 of us. 1st night in and the usual bunch of OTT sales managers full of shit, quiet accounting managers with no personality, and the new HR manager, an early 30's career blonde, with a sharp collection of business power suits - I liked her, but she did tend to use a few pretentious business bingo buzz words that made you cringe. She was a bit up helsel' Anyways, nice steak dinner, few vino's and everyone loosening up - HR girl gets a bit louder after a good few vino's while tucking into a mountain of sorbet, ice cream and chocolate sauce. Not having a sweet tooth I opted for the Cheese and biscuits. Obviously enjoying her sugar rush, I was asked how I could possibly not go for something sweet first - and offering me a taste. After explaining I've never had a sweet tooth, but once your ready please feel free to help yourself to this cheeseboard - I think it's a share platter and too much for me. At a quiet moment while everyone was tucking in, HR girl looks at me and says, "Thanks, I'm the complete opposite of you. There is NO WAY I'm sticking anything cheesy in my mouth ...... especially with blue veins all over it" Table went awkwardly quiet while everyone at our table was thinking and wondering what this conversation was about. Awkward moment, until the penny dropped dropped and someone realised and said she is talking about the cheeseboard. Slight pause and then a roar of laughter. Edited April 18, 2017 by HUNTINGMcGREGOR Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parklife Posted April 18, 2017 Share Posted April 18, 2017 (edited) A lassie i used to work with was describing the boy racer tendencies of a colleague she encountered on the road. Was telling the story of how she turned a corner out of the industrial estate, only for the boy racer who she'd spotted in her rear view mirror seconds before to have "came right up my arse", as she described it. Edited April 18, 2017 by Parklife Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McTeeko Posted April 18, 2017 Share Posted April 18, 2017 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
they've_been_suckered Posted April 18, 2017 Share Posted April 18, 2017 I have a polish colleague who recently told me she was "touching the wood" after having made a statement (touch wood) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
they've_been_suckered Posted April 18, 2017 Share Posted April 18, 2017 1 hour ago, Parklife said: A lassie i used to work with was describing the boy racer tendencies of a colleague she encountered on the road. Was telling the story of how she turned a corner out of the industrial estate, only for the boy racer who she'd spotted in her rear view mirror seconds before to have "came right up my arse", as she described it. there's no way you kept a straight face there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mindimoo Posted April 18, 2017 Share Posted April 18, 2017 Maybe more of a pun: I always wanted to be an archaeologist, but my dream ended in ruins. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parklife Posted April 18, 2017 Share Posted April 18, 2017 4 hours ago, they've_been_suckered said: there's no way you kept a straight face there. Nah, all three of us she was telling burst out laughing Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
they've_been_suckered Posted April 18, 2017 Share Posted April 18, 2017 1 hour ago, Parklife said: Nah, all three of us she was telling burst out laughing amazing Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daviebee Posted April 18, 2017 Author Share Posted April 18, 2017 22 hours ago, fishcumnock said: Was working in B&Q asked woman how big is your hole ? Followed by much hilarity from her and the 30yr old daughter . Woke my Mrs up PMSL at that one last night. Sniggered like a 13yo with his first Sherman mag. That must've been fkin mortifying! Good one from my biz partner Debbie a year or so ago: we were finalising a website design for a client. Massive job, lots of work offline before we had to upload hundreds of files to the web server. She then levelled me with, "I can't believe the size of it and it's not even up yet!" It's great when you work for yersel and don't have an HR dept to worry about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Huddersfield Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 More a slip of the tongue than a double entendre but one time when I was maybe 14 or 15 I was trying to show off that I'd learned about micro-organisms & stuff like that, & told a room of folks that "every time you breathe in you swallow thousands of tiny orgasms". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marky Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 Went to see Paul Weller at the RAH the other week and inside the front door there were some girls collecting for Teenage Cancer Trust. I was trying to get my change out of my jeans pocket which also had my phone in it. It was all taking a bit too long and was turning into one of those "ffs hurry up" moments, so I self consciously blurted out "Don't worry darlin', I'm definitely going to put something in your box!". Instantly realised what I had said and was double embarrassed not only because of what I said, but also that it sounded so contrived that I must've done it on purpose, but I absolutely didn't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fishcumnock Posted April 19, 2017 Share Posted April 19, 2017 Don't believe you , you were practicing when you seen them ! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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