Ormond Posted November 5, 2015 Share Posted November 5, 2015 A man buys a small budgie and when he gets it home it just keeps repeating, "Ah'm a Scottish budgie! Ah'm as hard as !"After a week the man gets so fed up he buys a falcon and puts it in the cage. "Let's see how tough you are now!" he says.The next morning he comes downstairs and the falcon is dead. The budgie says, "Ah'm a Scottish budgie! Ah'm as hard as !" So the man buys a hawk and puts it in the cage.The next morning the man comes downstairs and the hawk is dead. The budgie says, "Ah'm a Scottish budgie! Ah'm as hard as !" So the man buys an eagle and puts it in the cage.The next morning the man comes downstairs, the eagle is dead but the budgie has no feathers left. The budgie says, "Ah hud tae tak' mah jaicket off for that ####er!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Teethy Posted November 5, 2015 Share Posted November 5, 2015 Made me giggle that did! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daddybuc16 Posted November 5, 2015 Share Posted November 5, 2015 (edited) A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. 'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil. 'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently. 'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise. 'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move' ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.' She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.' Edited November 5, 2015 by daddybuc16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 Spotting that I'd only eaten half my pizza, the waitress at Pizza Express asked me : Do you want a box for that ?"I replied : "No, but I'll wrestle you for it". I have a fear of speed bumps.But I'm slowly getting over it. I also have a fear of elevators.But I've started taking steps to avoid it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DoonTheSlope Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Does your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to have a beer." A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Once again, Grandpa asked, "Does your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no, again. Grandpa said, "Then your not man enough to have a cigar." A little later, the little boy came out of the house With a cookie. Grandpa asked, "Can I have a cookie?" The boy asked "Does your dick touch your ass?" Grandpa replied, "Hell yeah!!!" The boy replied, "Then go yourself!!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ormond Posted November 6, 2015 Author Share Posted November 6, 2015 A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub, sharing drinks. "As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a small place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink." "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman, "Back home in me favorite pub McCormick's, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, all on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?" asked the Scot. "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "But it did happen to me sister quite a few times!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DoonTheSlope Posted November 6, 2015 Share Posted November 6, 2015 A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bar and the barman says "is this a joke?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ormond Posted November 6, 2015 Author Share Posted November 6, 2015 A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bar and the barman says "is this a joke?"I'll be having a pint with both tonight as it goes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark frae Crieff Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 A little old lady answers a knock at her door to be met by a travelling vacuum cleaner salesman. Before she had a chance to speak, the man tips a bucket full of dog shit over her carpet and explains, "Madam if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of that dog shit from your carpet, i will eat what's left". Well, she says. I hope you are ####in hungry, because the bastards cut my electricity off this morning! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scunnered Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 A man buys a small budgie and when he gets it home it just keeps repeating, "Ah'm a Scottish budgie! Ah'm as hard as ######!" After a week the man gets so fed up he buys a falcon and puts it in the cage. "Let's see how tough you are now!" he says. The next morning he comes downstairs and the falcon is dead. The budgie says, "Ah'm a Scottish budgie! Ah'm as hard as ######!" So the man buys a hawk and puts it in the cage. The next morning the man comes downstairs and the hawk is dead. The budgie says, "Ah'm a Scottish budgie! Ah'm as hard as ######!" So the man buys an eagle and puts it in the cage. The next morning the man comes downstairs, the eagle is dead but the budgie has no feathers left. The budgie says, "Ah hud tae tak' mah jaicket off for that ######er!" Bring back Flure, that's the worst joke I've ever seen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daddybuc16 Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 Whats worse than a bull in a china shop? A hedgehog in a condom factory. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orraloon Posted November 22, 2015 Share Posted November 22, 2015 Bring back Flure, that's the worst joke I've ever seen. You sure about that? Whats worse than a bull in a china shop? A hedgehog in a condom factory. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McExpat Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Bring back Flure, that's the worst joke I've ever seen. Not at all, it made me laugh as did his follow up, keep em coming Ormond They're much worse jokes, including some in this thread! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ormond Posted November 23, 2015 Author Share Posted November 23, 2015 I notice Charlie Sheen has made a Youtube video about his HIV..... ...... I see it's gone viral. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 Got sacked from my job as the restaurant manager today after an employee lost three fingers in one of the electric food mixers.Apparently I'd failed to do an adequate whisk assessment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next visit to the toilet could spell disaster. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
biffer Posted November 23, 2015 Share Posted November 23, 2015 I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next visit to the toilet could spell disaster. class, nicking that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McExpat Posted November 25, 2015 Share Posted November 25, 2015 (edited) Not at all, it made me laugh as did his follow up, keep em coming Ormond They're much worse jokes, including some in this thread! Late last night I just came across Ormond's talking dog joke, in another thread on here, a real classic, comedy gold! I sent it to numerous friends last night, inc many of a different nationality and everyone one of them that's seen it so far thought it was great. It made laugh again first thing this morning as I opened Whatsapp to find messages from friends saying how much they enjoyed it, leading to me reading it again! Please keep them coming or link me back to any other classics of that calibre! http://tartanarmyboard.co.uk/forum/index.php?showtopic=2528&p=96560 Edited November 25, 2015 by McExpat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 What's the first sign of madness? ……………………Suggs walking up your garden path. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 Alcoholic goes to the doctors complaining of aches and pains, headaches and tiredness. The doctor examines him then says "I can't find anything wrong with you. I can only assume that it must be the drink." The Alcoholic replies "That's OK doctor. Shall I come back tomorrow when you're sober?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 I was walking down our road the other day and this bloke comes past, carrying a girl on his back I said "what you doing?" he said "fancy dress party - i'm going as a snail" I sad "what's she doing on your back?" he said: "this is MICHELLE" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 The wife has left me because she said I love football more than her. It has really upset me, I have been with her for 13 seasons. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ormond Posted December 22, 2015 Author Share Posted December 22, 2015 My wife has just told me she wants Chanel No5 for her Christmas.... ...She's going to be really happy with me as I've just managed to re-tune the freeview box. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robroysboy Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 A man buys a small budgie and when he gets it home it just keeps repeating, "Ah'm a Scottish budgie! Ah'm as hard as ######!" After a week the man gets so fed up he buys a falcon and puts it in the cage. "Let's see how tough you are now!" he says. The next morning he comes downstairs and the falcon is dead. The budgie says, "Ah'm a Scottish budgie! Ah'm as hard as ######!" So the man buys a hawk and puts it in the cage. The next morning the man comes downstairs and the hawk is dead. The budgie says, "Ah'm a Scottish budgie! Ah'm as hard as ######!" So the man buys an eagle and puts it in the cage. The next morning the man comes downstairs, the eagle is dead but the budgie has no feathers left. The budgie says, "Ah hud tae tak' mah jaicket off for that ####er!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robroysboy Posted December 22, 2015 Share Posted December 22, 2015 What's the first sign of madness? ……………………Suggs walking up your garden path. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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