fringo Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 • A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manewhut Posted October 26, 2014 Share Posted October 26, 2014 I woke up in hospital after obviously being in a very serious accident. I had tubes coming out all over my body. A gorgeous nurse leant over me and said " you may not feel anything from the waist down" so i mumbled "can i just feel yer tits then?!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Exglasgowasc Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 What did the horse say when it came out of the fridge? Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bzzzz Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 What did the horse say when it came out of the fridge? Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kittymeister Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 A friend of mine has just come back from West Africa. All he does now is sing the Hearts song. I think that he is suffering from Jambola. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fishcumnock Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 I woke up in hospital after obviously being in a very serious accident. I had tubes coming out all over my body. A gorgeous nurse leant over me and said " you may not feel anything from the waist down" so i mumbled "can i just feel yer tits then?!!"burst oot laughing at that wan , top o the class. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
barryryde Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 The girlfriend and i had our first shower together today.... She could see i was a wee bit nervous so she said " Relax. Just do what you normally do ".So i had a pish.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manewhut Posted October 27, 2014 Share Posted October 27, 2014 When my girlfriend said she was leaving me, because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking! And then I saw her face... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ormond Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 How do Dundonians celebrate Halloween? They pump kin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redstevie007 Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 How do Dundonians celebrate Halloween? They pump kin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daddybuc16 Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 The Police have been asked for a comment following the explosion at the firework factory in Stafford. Their chief said, "Ooooooohhhhh" and "Aaaaaaaaahhhh". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
86glebestreet Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 The Police have been asked for a comment following the explosion at the firework factory in Stafford. Their chief said, "Ooooooohhhhh" and "Aaaaaaaaahhhh". Your the winner, that's fcukin shite Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daddybuc16 Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 Your the winner, that's fcukin shite Finally a reward for all my hard work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craggers Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 Guy is lying in his hospital bed and the Doctor walks in. "I've got good news and bad news for you Mr Smith" "What's the bad news?". "You have a rare disease that we can't treat and you'll be dead in 3 days" "Jesus Christ Doctor, that's terrible. What's the good news?" "The guy in the next bed wants to buy your slippers". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
perthTam Posted November 6, 2014 Share Posted November 6, 2014 Doctor, doctor, I must be ill I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a sea bird. I think I've taken a tern for the wurst. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BremnerLorimerGray Posted November 7, 2014 Share Posted November 7, 2014 What's brown and white and flies through your house at night? Casper the friendly plate of mince. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted November 8, 2014 Share Posted November 8, 2014 I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. It came in at quarter past four. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manewhut Posted November 19, 2014 Share Posted November 19, 2014 (edited) A wise Chinese man once said,"If a dog barks it's undercooked" Edited November 19, 2014 by manewhut Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
littleboyblue Posted November 20, 2014 Share Posted November 20, 2014 Cliff Richard is playing a gig in Tokyo. Crowd starts chanting ' Cliff Cliff. Itchy Fanny, Itchy Fanny'!!! Cliff is a bit bemused by this, but looks to his backing group and starts whipping the crowd into a frenzy. Cliff goes ' OK Tokyo, take it away, one, two, three............... 'Itchy Fanny, how we don't talk anymore'......................................... Reminds me of this: Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request. One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts - "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord...". A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise. But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!!!". Stevie is really peed off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage -"OK smart ass, you get up here and do it".. The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing............ "a jazz chord to say , I ruv you...." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ormond Posted November 21, 2014 Share Posted November 21, 2014 Reminds me of this: Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request. One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts - "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord...". A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise. But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!!!". Stevie is really peed off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage -"OK smart ass, you get up here and do it".. The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing............ "a jazz chord to say , I ruv you...." Also like the one at the Frank Sinatra concert. Frank is crooning away on stage going through hit after hit to an adoring crowd when he decides to take requests. A guy in the front row shouts up at him to play the song Farmer Jack. Frank thinks long and hard about it and then congratulates the guy on stumping him. "Yep, you've sure got me with that one fella. I can't say I've ever heard a song about a Farmer Jack." says Frank. "Why don't you come on up on stage and sing us all it?" The man hurries up on stage, takes the microphone, opens his mouth before singing, "Farmer Jack to a king.... From loneliness to a wedding ring!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 I went up to Mr. T and said, "I'm going to cook you a dessert." He said, "Try fool!" I said, "No, strawberry cheesecake, actually." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bzzzz Posted November 27, 2014 Share Posted November 27, 2014 Guy takes his Alsatian to the vets for a check up. Vet picks the dug up to examine it... Vet - "I'm going to have to put him down" Owner - "Oh my God why!?" Vet - "He's really heavy" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZoltanBuchan Posted November 27, 2014 Share Posted November 27, 2014 Following on from Stevie Wonder and Frank Sinatra...Two Japanese girls get to meet their hero - Cliff Richard, who says he'll sing any song they choose. They both ask him to sing "Itchy Fanny"."But...I don't have song called Itchy Fanny", says Sir Cliff."Yeah, yeah...Itchy Fanny, Itchy Fanny" they cry.Bamboozled to say the least, Cliff replies: "Er...OK...could you sing me the first line or the chorus perhaps?"The two girls break into song: "Itchy Fanny, how we don't talk anymore." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andymac Posted November 27, 2014 Share Posted November 27, 2014 Following on from Stevie Wonder and Frank Sinatra... Two Japanese girls get to meet their hero - Cliff Richard, who says he'll sing any song they choose. They both ask him to sing "Itchy Fanny". "But...I don't have song called Itchy Fanny", says Sir Cliff. "Yeah, yeah...Itchy Fanny, Itchy Fanny" they cry. Bamboozled to say the least, Cliff replies: "Er...OK...could you sing me the first line or the chorus perhaps?" The two girls break into song: "Itchy Fanny, how we don't talk anymore." That was even on this page. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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