Stapes Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 (edited) Ok, so I'm now at the third stage of dealing with cold calls. It started with frustration, then anger. Now I'm at humour. My conversation with a caller last week (bearing in mind this took about 20 minutes because half the time he couldn't understand me): Caller: Is that Mr xxxxx? Me: No C: Ok, are you the homeowner? Me: Yes C: What is your surname? Me: Staines. C: Mr Staines? Me: Yes C: And what is your first name? Me: Simon (French pronunciation - Seemon) C: Mr Seemon Staines? Me: Yes C: Are you married? Me: I’m gay C: So you’re single? Me: No, I’m married C: And what age are you? Me: Well, I would be 47 if I was still alive, but I died five years ago C: You’re 47? Me: As I said, I would be but I died five years ago At this point there’s a pause of about three seconds as it sinks in. C: You’re crazy man! Me: Well I was crazy, but I’m dead now. Line goes dead. Next week I’ll be trying out my next persona – Captain Pugwash, the transgender hamster breeder Has anyone else moved on to the humour stage. Sure there are some classics out there. In the past I've posted the 419eater page which was a great wind up, but quite enjoyed doing this. I'm actually looking forward to the next call. Edited August 15, 2015 by Stapes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
giblet Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 Love the 419 eater page, and yes, cold calls get a variety of accents from me and answers that are opposite to the previous question asked as well. The barstewards I cant stand is the Microsoft scam where they try to get you to give them access to your computer, crooks. I usually just give them a barrage of abuse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mariokempes56 Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 Never yet got beyond #### off I'm afraid in most cases. Though the "Microsoft" support guys are incredibly persistent. - "you have virus" - "No I dont " - "yes you do" - "Look dickhead I've been a software engineer for 30 years and you are a lying khunt" - "Sir, you have a virus...".... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daddybuc16 Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 I pretend that i'm my brother or that i'm the babysitter. Quickly gets rid o them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottincarlisle Posted August 15, 2015 Share Posted August 15, 2015 Never yet got beyond #### off I'm afraid in most cases. Though the "Microsoft" support guys are incredibly persistent. - "you have virus" - "No I dont " - "yes you do" - "Look dickhead I've been a software engineer for 30 years and you are a lying khunt" - "Sir, you have a virus...".... They told me to go to hell the other day before hanging up on me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
euan2020 Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 i had teh debt consolidation companies hang up on me - werent happy when i went through their long speel (i had to press 6 to speak to someone after ther recorded message ) said i would love to consolidate all my debt across 3 credit cards "how much debt do you have across the 3 cards " me "£50 on each card" feckers were phoning me on my office phone, so thought if they are disturbing me at work i will disturb them Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scotunited Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 I tell them that they are through to the police station and they are speaking to the telephone scam department, I ask them to stay on the line till we can get a trace on the call. Usually works, but last week had the same company phone 5 mins later and I had to tell we have your location and the local police are on the way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dandydunn Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 I like the ones that tell me Ive been in an accident. I tend to ask them how they found out,as yes I had,but I was steaming at the time so couldn't really report that someone had crashed into me and I got whiplash. The other is when they can help me to pay off debt and only have to pay 10% of it. After going through the whole amounts that I owe,I then ask if they can speak to my mum for me,because if she only gets £500 of the 5k that I was owe her,she's gonna go off her nut and will shout at me again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irnbruman Posted August 16, 2015 Share Posted August 16, 2015 I like putting on my kiddy voice and say that my dad's not in. My parents have left me in the house on my own and I'm only twelve and there's no food. I ask them if they think I should call social services. They don't stay on the phone for long. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kirk Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Never yet got beyond #### off I'm afraid in most cases. Though the "Microsoft" support guys are incredibly persistent. - "you have virus" - "No I dont " - "yes you do" - "Look dickhead I've been a software engineer for 30 years and you are a lying khunt" - "Sir, you have a virus...".... I tell the microsoft guys that we dont have any laptops or computers, they usually act all shocked then i just say bye and hang up Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Och Aye Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 (edited) Took advice from guys on here and kept the Microsoft scammers on the phone for as long as possible. After pretending to believe her saying I'll go upstairs and switch on computer and taking an age, oh hold on there's someone at the door hang on a minute, etc, she eventually asks what can you see on your screen. Yep there's something appearing now it says..a....manky...bitch...from...India...is....trying...to..con...me. You should have heard her language, telling me where to shove my computer. Cheered me up Edited August 17, 2015 by Och Aye Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flora MaDonald Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 I've just recited Gunga Din (Kipling) to a daft quine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charlie Endell Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 I generally don't answer the phone if it's a number I don't recognize - however, I've never given cold callers a hard time - I just imagine how desperate someone must be to take a job that involves cold calling - must be soul destroying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
giblet Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 I generally don't answer the phone if it's a number I don't recognize - however, I've never given cold callers a hard time - I just imagine how desperate someone must be to take a job that involves cold calling - must be soul destroying. Agree with you, always civil to the ones trying to sell home improvements etc, but the Microsoft ones are trying to commit a crime and get you to a position where they blackmail you once they have control of your computer. They deserve all they get. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teecee- Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Sir you have PPI do you want to reclaim? I don't have PPI. Sir you will have it without knowing. I don't have PPI. Sir it is included without you being aware. I think I would know, as I sold it for 5 years!! Undeterred- Sir you have PPI. I hung up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mariokempes56 Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 I tell the microsoft guys that we dont have any laptops or computers, they usually act all shocked then i just say bye and hang up I say I dont have a phone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kirk Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 I say I dont have a phone. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rory Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 We don't seem to get many calls ever since a member of the household placed a whistle next to the phone. Every time someone like that called the whistle would be blown full pelt down the phone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deecie Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 I generally don't answer the phone if it's a number I don't recognize - however, I've never given cold callers a hard time - I just imagine how desperate someone must be to take a job that involves cold calling - must be soul destroying. This. I just hang up straight away. It's a conversation neither of us want to have. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Och Aye Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 The next one is getting in my best Transylvanian accent - the master isn't available just now, call back after sunset. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wanderer Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Noticed in recent weeks that the automatic calls have started to leave messages on our answer machine.... used to be if it rang out it would just just cut out once the machine kicked in. Now we are coming home from work to find 2-3 messages on our answer phone from these automatic calls. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Charlie Endell Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Another number blocked this morning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ormond Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Another number blocked this morning. That's what I do, just block them. Since obtaining my mobile number over here the previous owner of that number must have ran into a lot of credit issues. I'm forever being phoned up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JasMc1973 Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 think i'm going to try the "thank god you called, i'm stuck in this box and the water's rising, the locked me in here - he's trying to kill me" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RenfrewBlue Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 We get the National Database robot calls constantly. Unless I waste my time and press the button to speak to them it won't stop. Surely this sort of pish should be against the law? I've also had the scam Microsoft guys. I told them I'm a Certified Microsoft Engineer and they've stopped calling. Any human cold callers get asked what company they represent. Then told to remove me from their calling list. If they call back I tell them what's happened and report them. That seems to have worked. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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