Flure Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river."What did you do that for?" asked a passing giraffe."Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago.""Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe."Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flure Posted November 28, 2014 Author Share Posted November 28, 2014 The Doctor says I have a chronic fear of giants; Feefiphobia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flure Posted November 28, 2014 Author Share Posted November 28, 2014 I went to a seance in a probiotic yoghurt factory the other week. Scared me to death. That'll teach me to dabble with the Yakkult. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McDange Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 How do you track Will Smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kps022000 Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 Not a joke but on pointless yesterday the question was name any film which a member of the Smith family had a credited role. You had the choice of Will, his wife or their two kids. Two old dears on the show, first answer the only one I can think of is 'The Nutty Professor' (which actually scored 2 points as the wife was in it). Second answer, 'Shrek'. I am not sure that they knew who Will Smith was. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Col Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 Hear about the guy who found a trumpet in his garden? he had to root it oot Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fairbairn Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 Hear about the guy who found a trumpet in his garden? he had to root it oot I laughed at that much more than I should have! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
86glebestreet Posted November 28, 2014 Share Posted November 28, 2014 2 owls playing pool, 1st owl fouls and says 2 wit 2 woo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daddybuc16 Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 My girlfriend says she enjoys sex more whilst on holiday. Well I can tell you, that was an awkward postcard to receive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jock strap Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 One saggy boob says to the other saggy boob.. We better get some support before somebody thinks we're nuts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jock strap Posted December 12, 2014 Share Posted December 12, 2014 Having sex is like playing poker. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daddybuc16 Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 I was shagging this older woman, when she said, "You know, you remind me of my son." I said, "Let's not make this weird, gran." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Armchair Bob Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 Pliers was having a quiet drink in his local when this fella walks in, goes right up to him, slaps him on the back, and leers "Haw you! I've just shagged yer maw." The pub goes deathly quiet. Pliers slowly puts his drink down and turns to the fella. And says... "Awa hame da, yer pished." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thorbotnic Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 I bought these shoes off a drug dealer. Dunno what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all morning... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scunnered Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 My girlfriend says she enjoys sex more whilst on holiday. Well I can tell you, that was an awkward postcard to receive. Nicking that one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daddybuc16 Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 Nicking that one. Glad you're laughing. I thought i'd posted this in the get it off yer chest thread. :-( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted December 18, 2014 Share Posted December 18, 2014 Glad you're laughing. I thought i'd posted this in the get it off yer chest thread. :-( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary."Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly," she said, "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with.""That's fair enough," I replied, "When can you start? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daddybuc16 Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fringo Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 (edited) The dog ran off last night,I walked around the park calling his name for 20 mins and still couldn't find him.A friend said I should look harder,so I shaved my head and got a tattoo.I still can't find the dog Edited January 16, 2015 by fringo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irnbruman Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 Scotsman ,Englishman and Irish man on a lighthouse. They are all bored with nothing to do. Each gets a month off every so often. Scotsman's turn to go off for a month - others ask if he can bring something back to relieve the boredom - so he comes back with a pack of cards. They play cards for a few months and then get bored with it. Englishman's turn to go off for a month. Bring us back something Nigel they ask. Nigel comes back a month later with a backgammon set. So they play backgammon for a few months ..then the cards come back out. Finally its Irish man's turn. He comes back a month later and they ask him - what did you bring back Paddy?. Its outside he says. They look out and there's a huge box of tampons outside the door. What the fook are we meant to do with them - the other ask. Paddy says - look at the box - you can swim , play tennis ride a bike... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Col Posted January 16, 2015 Share Posted January 16, 2015 I got myself a new dog yesterday, he used to belong to a blacksmith. As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
daddybuc16 Posted January 18, 2015 Share Posted January 18, 2015 (edited) A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No" Duck says: "Got any Bread?" Barman says: "No" Duck says: "Got any Bread?" Barman says: "No, we have no bread." Duck says: "Got any bread" Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, are you deaf? We haven't got any bread. Ask me again and I'll nail your beak to the bar, you irritating bird!" Duck says: "Got any nails?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Edited January 18, 2015 by daddybuc16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Flure Posted February 2, 2015 Author Share Posted February 2, 2015 The strangest thing that happened to me when I worked at the United Nations was the time I got asked to get Kofi Annan a gram of cocaine.I picked up the phone. "Kofi," I said, "right now the only one I can think of is 'oceanic'!!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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