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You're like the man who ####ed the monkey who gave us AIDS

You breathe a word of this to anyone, you mincing f.ucking c.unt, and I will tear your skin off, I will wear it to your mothers birthday party, and rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling Bohemian f.ucking Rhapsody, right?

What's our response, to their response, of our response?

Ollie? He's a wet scarf, he's a balaclava!

I'm all ears, I'm Andrew marr

Kiss my sweaty balls ya fat

Oh I'm sorry, we'll stop swearing, you MASSIVE. GAY. SHITE!

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From the rise of the nutters.

Malcolm Tucker: [preparing Ben for going on TV again] Get him properly screen-tested! I'm sorry, mate, but you need a lot of powder. I've never seen anyone look so ugly with just one head!

Ben Swain: No, I've lost my... erm... safety...

Malcolm Tucker: Who was it that did your media training? Myra Hindley? It's terrible! All these hands all over the place! You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work!

Ben Swain: Yes, I know all that. It just, kinda, fell away. It's like one of those dreams when you're wandering around Covent Garden with just a west and everyone's staring at you.

Jamie: It was much worse than that. I mean, how many people see you at Covent Garden? A few thousands? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people! That's more people than saw Al Jolson in his career! And that's Al Jolson!

Malcolm Tucker: He loves Al Jolson.

Jamie: The Guvnor!

Oliver Reeder: Maaameee!

Jamie: You take the piss out of Al Jolson again and I will remove your iPod from its tiny nano-sheath and push it up your cock! Then I'll put some speakers up your arse and put it on shuffle with my fist. And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track by crushing your balls!

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